Habits

I know that this is a little bit off the beaten path, but I've got a confession to make.

I hate to clean.  I hate to do dishes. I want someone else to do all the work for me.  I don't want to take care of myself, or my home.  I'm a mess, and I have GOT to start taking care of myself.  I just don't know where to start. 

Risks and Weights

Honestly, I talk so much about everything ELSE in my life, it should be just "diary of a person"! lol Part of my blog is exactly that, to show that bisexuals are people too and not just out for sexing.

Today's dilemma focuses on music schtuff.  I put a lot of effort in the past two days into creating more buzz about myself from my computer desktop.  I'm scared to have to fulfill it. I have to fulfill it. I have to really do it.  And I'm so close.  I've got a couple of friends who want to play gigs with me as other acts, but I have to say, it's not what i want.  I want to be out for myself.  My goals are this: Work the open mics and gigs locally here until May, and strike out to play Open mics and gigs in new york city. 

So to further that goal, I paid for some press kit services and paid for my music to be digitally distributed so it can be easily searched for and bought. I contacted a craigslist ad person for some promotional help, because I fucking need it.  I can't promote myself. I work two jobs and have no car and little funds.  It's an informal relationship, no contract or anything, but after speaking to the guy on the phone, I think it's a good idea. He's going to refer me to about 75 venues via email, and in return, if a gig is booked that route, I pay him ten percent of what that gig brought in.

Kanabo wants me back.

I'm not sure where to go.  You see, we all quit, all together, but singer, guitarist, and acoustic guitarist played one, two, 3 last shows together.  I was there for the "very last" show, and I was asked if I would come back to the band. I was reminded of all the good things we had together, and the band member I was speaking to wouldn't allow me to talk about the bad things that we had together.   I loved the music. I really did. I still do.  I don't hate them. On the contrary, I really like them, as people.  But in practices, we couldn't talk with one another.  we just kept fighting. Is this right? Is this what all bands do?  And how much am I supposed to deal with before it's time to quit?   Just what exactly should I expect from being in a band?

Honestly, this is the first band I've joined that's played out together with a degree of success, never mind playing out at all. And I've made an effort to be a better person and I've grown a lot from being in this band. What do I want out of it, and will it get me where I want to go? Do I even care any more?


I told the singer I'd need to wait till after the holidays to have time to make a decision. 

Etched in Acid

Last night I had a dream.  Someone came and said he was a friend of Pete's and he was lying in a chair when he injected me with heroin. Pete took me to the hospital and explained that it was Lane Staley/Jerry Cantrell, and he used to hang out with those guys. I went to the hospital, and i started to shiver and shake and they shot me up with something, I don't know what it was. The next time they came to give me a shot, I said no, and went through the pain of withdrawal myself.  Peter and I went home and we locked the door.  'Lane Cantrell' was on the street, and ready to shoot me up when I went to work.  Pete wrapped me in cloths to hide me as we moved from place to place, but the man would hide a needle in the doorway, and drop by to inject me with it with the excuse that he was there to see Pete.  I had to hide as Pete went among them to discover what was going on and how to stop this man. They didn't bother Pete about trying to do drugs just so long as he promised them 'next time.' We went to a warehouse and began training with the staff and with wooden spider-like contraptions, but the man came in and found a way to inject me once more.  We went outside this time, and the world was getting ready for a huge storm, one that would definitely, without doubt, destroy every building we had built through the ages. I went into space to see what had happened to the satellite, and a minor malfunction had caused the dish to pop away before it could unfold into space. I replaced it, and corporations knocked on the shuttle and broke my air lock to come in and bring news of the storm to be broadcast. I went back to earth and went to a store and my mother was there and she had a needle, and she was trying to inject me with heroin. I walked away, saying I needed to do something, find Pete, I made excuses.  The storm hit, and it was huge.  There were people who believed that they needed to find safety next to cylindrical columns.  There was a huge crowd of people underneath a columned gazebo, and when the storm came, a tree pressed against the gazebo and began to crush the helpless people, but the only ones to be crushed were the two ladies who had insisted that they were right and needed to be near the columns.  They were thrown into the nearby graveyard where vehicles were put as monuments to the dead, and then a huge pagoda was set up and built on that spot to commemorate the dead. I stepped into the graveyard and onto the platform, and I crossed my arms in front of me and spoke. I do not remember what I said, but I was the representation of an egyptian god. Ibis is in my head as I think of it, though I know I was Anubis. I was black and gold. I stepped down off the platform and stopped to play with a poisonous kitty, that had dredged up a plastic bag I had long ago dropped deep under water.  In the bag were my keys, on a devil keychain, and I had given up the keys before because the power they contained was bad.  I grabbed on to them, thinking, "You know, I just might use these anyhow."

Break Down The Door: A Shout Out to Yoko Kano

This is the first time I've seen her
(me, on the inside)
Crying, screaming, naked
beating her hands bloody on a block of wood
a prison, really
of my own sin
(i've sung about this before)
you know, that knife everyone else uses to cut on themselves
I used wood
I just stoppered it up.
Who knew how much I really needed to bleed?
honestly, skin grows around the strangest things
it's got to come out

The Feminist Twink: Part II

And another thing. I was gonna go rant some more about feminism and periods, but I forgot now what exactly i was going to say because my computer is slow!!!! 

Oh yeah.  I'm a feminist, ok, but I hate it when men get blamed for everything. (unless i'm on my period and then i blame my husband for everything that happens. including getting my period. )

For shizzle, my nizzle, because let's face facts: What's the point of degrading women, fighting back, only to degrade men? It keeps the cycle going.  I'm cool with some punishment for bad behavior, definitely.  I would certainly like to see that happen.  But I doubt that society really knows what to do with itself after the punishment is complete. 

So we have two spectra here: Feminism and it's opposite. I'm going to call it "Andron-ism," after all, 'andro-' is a greek or latin word meaning "man" or "male."  So far, what we're seeing in society shouldn't be called patriarchy, especially since there are so many ways that patriarchy can, has, and will be subverted by women and OTHER MEN. Yes, that's right: even other men think it sucks how women are treated and referred to by ...society? nope. Patriarchy? nope.  Andronism. And let me explain.

My theory goes like this:  The men, women, children, and people who promote the idea that man is sovereign are NOT in power here in America.  Sure, they have a voice, and they speak loudly through media, television, newspaper, blog, podcast, radio and rule 34. And yes, women and children originate and spread messages to keep other women in their places.   But these folks are only talking.  Yes, some of them are in congress, making decisions on behalf of the country, (far too many of them, in my opinion) but there are others who influence them.  These are 'Control-ist' types: What they do is so perfect that it must be spread to everyone else.  And any means of achieving it are acceptable.  No limitations.

An Andronist would support a Feminist.  An Andronist is a man who is out for respectful treatment of men; getting rid of the media images of He-Man, or that 'MAN' has to be emotionally unavailable, super strong, wealthy, powerful, dominant, controlling, aggressive, assertive, and many other things that men are associated with to a deadly extreme.

Andronists are men who nurture with strength.  Men who do this are playful and cuddly and will display their strength when attacked for that nurturing.  They protect the home by nurturing the home with love and attention, and they glory in it.

What's more is that an Andronist would complete a Feminist.  Andronists and Feminists, in my view, are working towards a worldview of men and women and people as teams, partners, and other kinds of people with firm, respectful bonds of trust and honor.

Maybe i should call myself an Equalist instead....

The Feminist Twink

Blech. I haven't had cramps this bad in a year or so. It's not even that it's just cramps, my head is groggy, I can't think, I feel like such a dud and last night i berated my husband for doing everything wrong just because he couldn't read my mind.  I still want to attack that nearby fleshy target with all kinds of malice and hate.  This is not 'pre-' menstrual syndrome, by the way, it is 'menstrual' syndrome because yes, kids, i'm bleeding right now. This very minute.  I'm too tired to drive, i have to anyways so i can get pads, can NOT focus enough to make heads or tails at work today, and I'm a complete wreck. I cleaned this past weekend, my chin broke out in sore, red pimples for NO REASON WHATSOEVER!!!! and i'm eating chocolate-covered Kahlua. Yes, friends, such a wonderful thing does exist!

How the hell do I think that having my period is such a great thing if i'm so miserable? yes, i give life, yes, i'm fertile and happy to be, yes, having the period gets shamed in national media and periods are not treated like a normal part of everyday life. (they weren't when I was growing up anyways), and yes, somehow i will find a way to blame my husband for it (because that makes me feel better), and i am so bitchy right now that I put ads on my blog.   It [my period] gets in the way of living my normal life, it makes me feel like shit for no apparent reason, and i want to rip people's heads off.  I would give anything to yell at somebody right now, because that's what i want. I want to abuse someone. that's all. I don't want to murder anybody, just verbally abuse them for about an hour, and not pay you for the service. I am in THAT bad of a mood.  Ain't nothing getting done. I'm going to curl up in my bed and keen all day.

I'm completely pissed that media doesn't show (or didn't show) how to deal with cramps, pain, yukkyness, or teach girls how to know something's wrong and that it's okay to feel bad sometimes.  Why do i blame the media? because my parents weren't there to teach me, so on the one hand, i could blame them for not being there, and on the other hand, i can't fault them because they worked million hour workweeks to try to set me up to be richer than they are.  I blame the media because TV was all i had to keep me company and keep me updated on what was 'real.'  I could have spent more time bugging my friends, but that wasn't 'real'.  TV displays itself as being real through specific nonverbal communication and attention getting strategies. It's the stuff that gets your attention that you process as reality. Right?  So if periods don't happen on tv, they're not really all that important.

But they are.  They take up so much of my body's functions and energy right now.  Not nearly as much as if i were to be pregnant, but even still, my body has to expurgate itself of stuff it doesn't need.  It hoarded tons of nutrients for a baby that's not going to be born, and my body is punishing me for the baby i didn't have.  (yes this is a ridiculous statement.  Please allow me to be fucking insane at the moment. Cheers!)
Also, i'm pissed that slender pads are only coming out NOW.  I've been dealing with bunching and twisting for what seems like EONS.  Men must design menstrual products, i'm convinced of it now!